losertasticx's Xanga

should i have expected this?

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 01:56:14 GMT

girl meets boy. girl likes boy. boy asks girl out. girl has sex with boy. boy breaks up with girl.

story of my life.

it's so ironic how often i've broken up with guys because i'm not "ready" or i can't "handle" a relationship. does it hurt to try? no. but i never would. i'd never put myself out there enough to even give a guy the time of day. i finally met someone i liked. someone i really, really liked. and someone i could see myself being with. someone i wanted to be with. the moments we shared were sweet, almost magical. but sensual. he made me feel pretty. he made me feel special, and sexy, and worth more than i give myself credit for. and how is this possible? i've only known him for a month. but still. i liked him, more than i should. and it hurt me. it hurts now. but how should i expect anything more?

the first guy i've liked, the first guy i've tried with. the first i've opened myself up to, and put my heart and my neck on the line and it justs hurts. because it's not that he "doesn't like me" it's that he's "not ready right now." how do you tell a girl who you know likes you, you know has given up so much to be with you, how do you tell her that? i'd be melodramatic if i said he broke my heart, because he didn't. i'm not saying that at all. all i am saying is that the first guy i try to be a girlfriend to, the first guy i try at all with, just rejects me. and it sucks. a lot. because i was so hesitant in the first place, and then i said okay fuck it, i'm gonna try. i'm gonna put everything into this relationship, and what did it get me? nothing really. nothing at all, actually. just hurt feelings because he can't do it. he can have sex with me, he can take advantage of me, but he can't invest anything into a relationship with me. and that's okay. it's expected. does that mean it doesn't suck? no. because it does. i'd be lying if i said i was okay right now, because i really don't feel okay. i feel sad and rejected and used and angry.

i dunno. i just give up. i can't deal with boys anymore. i can't deal with relationships, and putting everything on the line and being bitten. i can't do it anymore.

talking to dad

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 15:35:50 GMT

my dad did plenty of terrible things. but he's still my dad. it doesn't matter that he hit me, abandoned me, abused me. he's still my dad. does that make what happened okay? no.

yesterday i called my dad for the first time in years. i talked to him for fourty five minutes, and to be honest, it was the longest fourty-five minutes of my life. we started off like i expected: it's not my fault, i'm a different person, you can't blame me. but eventually we progressed into something completely surprising. talking to him may not have given the closure i was looking for, but i think i made a step in the right direction.

i started the conversation with a pit in my stomach: i was anxious, nervous. scared. it was surreal to hear his voice, at first. i'd never forget that voice and the things he said to me. i'm not quite sure why i wanted to call him at this point. and i'm clearly really scatterbrained. and i'm still trying to process it. but. i'm still happy i called. it needed to happen.

the only thing that the phone call really did though was make me want a dad. i've always wanted a father, and i've never had one. every man in my life has been an extremely negative persona and abused me and my family. i just want that father figure. but i don't know what that would look like. how is a functioning father supposed to behave? what is the difference between a mom and a dad, other than the obvious? what do i need for myself? i don't know. is that bad? that i don't know what i want?

i'm just really confused. i know how much i'm changing. god am i changing. and it's not just because i'm on a shitload of meds... i'm changing because i want to change for me. i came to this place because my mom and therapist wanted me to. i didn't think i was going to actually get anything out of it. but look at me now.

a year ago, i tried to kill myself. a year ago, i was depressed. a year ago, i had no friends. a year ago, i had no relationship with my mom. a year ago, i was a completely different rachel.

2009 edition is so much healthier, happier. i have friends now. i'm learning to trust in myself, and my instincts. i'm starting to not let people take advantage of me. i'm letting people be my friend, instead of chasing them away. i'm trying so hard. and it feels amazing. it feels so good to know how different i am now. and how much i am worth.

people need to realize how good they have it with me, and not me realize how good i have it with them. i deserve the best. i deserve to be loved. i deserve to be liked. but most of all, i deserve to be happy. and i am.

it may have taken over a year to get to where i am now, and i've been on this journey for a long time. and to be hoenst, i'm still on it. but i'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and becoming happy with who i am. i only need me to be happy. no one or nothing else can help that.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 03:38:48 GMT

i haven't updated in agesssss!

okay

quick runthrough

things were awesome until i had some kids over when my mom wasn't home and she came home and was like doubleyouteeeff and i was like ohfuck and then she's like fuckyou and we've been fighting since

i met the boy of my dreams

i'm happy i guess

so woohoo

boys

Thu, 26 Feb 2009 04:18:25 GMT

all the guys here are either gay, dumb, ugly, or assholes. romantically, i haven't met a nice guy in this god damn place EVER.

1. mark: he was my first boyfriend. my first kiss. nuff said. it ended after like a month, if that.
2. david: the guy i think i loved. he lived in georgia though, which was a problem, seeing as i lived roughly 700 miles away... i mean he was probably the best boyfriend i had, considering. 9 months.
3. tyler: i think he was gay, and his penis was itty bitty. i broke up with him four days before our one year anniversary because i started to like another dude. but i did it nicely because he had a bracelet of mine, and i wanted it back. afterwards i was a megabitch. end of relationships.
4. river: oh river... i had liked him since i think july 2008. and we made out for the first time in october or 2008, but we couldn't pursue a relationship for two reasons: i had a boyfriend, and he was in love with his ex.
5. ross: we made out for like 4 hours in his car in the middle of the night in the valley, and didn't talk for like a month after because we felt ridiculously awkward about it.
6. river: (again) we had a consistent "fuck buddies" relationship from july 2008 to january 2009. i ended up falling for him, but all i was to him was sex. i mean hey, i can't blame him, i can take a guy to the moon haha.
7. jd: we hookedup like twice, i didn't really want to, but i considered being in a relationship with him for like a week cause he liked me or something, but i was like, nahhh, and so was he.
8. josh: lost my vcard to him in a car, in a parking lot somewhere. i don't think i had sex with him any place BUT a car, in various locations. this is kinda bad, just cause i got high and then after 3 or 4 hours of knowing him, we fucked.
9. timi: we made out, after i had made out with river. and then later that night i hookedup with josh. did i mention i was high?
10. ted: i was trying to go to sleep on my couch, but he was kinda like heeeeeeeeyo all night and like hitting on me i guess, but i was kind of oblivious until he like laid on top of me and started sucking face and i didn't know what to do but kiss back, but after a while i couldn't breathe and i pushed him off. really awkward.
11. jake: i think i kissed him, but everyone says i didn't. but i remember him being in my house and in my bed. so i don't know, it makes sense.
12. rob: i THINK we kissed. maybe. i don't remember.
13. paul: it was kind of a pop kiss but honestly we had no physical chemistry. he wasn't my type. but he wanted more and now he's all mad about the fact that i told him i didn't want a relationship, but honestly (shhh, it's a secret) it was because i wasn't into him.

(quite a list of conquests)

but like honestly lately i don't know what it is with guys but i'm sick of them hitting on me. honestly if i could get a fucking chastity belt and lock myself in it i would, or i would be a lesbian. but i like sex and penis too much, so what do i do?!! like right now? do you want to know how many FUCKING guys are trying to get in my pants? FIVE, maybe more! that's RIDICULOUS. i mean most girls would be happy with that but right now i just want to settle down with a nice boy. i'm kinda picky, i'm not gonna lie. but i mean if you're the following, send me a message or something. i need someone to cuddle with.

funny, cute, smart, honest, passionate, and tall.

that's not too much to ask is it?

Friday, January 16, 2009

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 02:07:12 GMT

sicksicksick.
feeling a bit better emotionally. but i feel terrible physically. it sucks feeling like you're going to throw up all the time. i almost tried to make myself throw up today but then i chickened out. if i'm being honest, it wasn't all because i felt sick.
weather sucks so much. it's so cold. eventually i'm going to freeze into an icicle.

GOOD NEWS?
well...
i told river i loved him and he wasn't totally opposed to the idea. lol. i love my phrasing. but anyway. he told me.. that i'm way too smart for him. that i'm too good for him. and that there's someone out there so much better than he is. but. i dunno. he is is is. i want him and when he said he was going to let go of her, jesus you don't know how that made me feel. giddyhappyexcited... hopeful. but hope is a nasty emotion. because it allows you to believe that there could be something more. but when i asked him if maybe we could be... he said no. but when he said that he was fickle and unreliable, it still allowed that hope to settle back into my heart. and i'm not completely sure that's a good thing. i don't need to be hopeful. i'm scared to be with him, with anyone. he knows me so well, and it's scary. he knows my body and my soul and i dunno it's just a really intense dedication to him but it's nothing healthy. he's not good for me and i know it. my head says no but my heart is protesting with a strong "no, don't give up. you might have a chance with him. you could be with him." who knows if it'll happen. i don't.

it's funny.

Wed, 14 Jan 2009 04:06:01 GMT

happiness was short lived, it's funny how dependent your
happiness can be on others. i hate it, and i thought i could depend on myself,
but what with everyone apparently hating me, it sucks to realize that you
do need people to like you. or maybe it's just me. all i want is to be accepted
and liked, not even loved. i guess that'll never happen, honestly.
i fuck up too much. maybe you shouldn't get to know me, i obviously suck.

i thought i beat you. i thought i got rid of you. but you're
back with a vengeance and all i want to do is cry and cut and
curl up and never wake up. this is so... fucking a.

cause i totally did it on purpose.

Tue, 13 Jan 2009 19:47:01 GMT

so one of my friends is moving to argentina for six months, and some people were planning a surprise party. thing is, i didn't know it was a surprise party, and i was talking to the kid it's for about it, and he was like: ... what party? so now everyone is so pissed at me for something that was an accident. i didn't mean to fuck up. and now no one will talk to me and i feel terrible, not just because no one's talking to me, but everyone's talking ABOUT me. and right in front of my face. and people are already trying to say that i did it on purpose, like i didn't, that would be so fucked up. honestly, it was an accident and i feel terrible. and now i feel even more terrible because everyone apparently hates me over something i didn't even mean to do.

not to mention, my period is two weeks early, and i'm on birth control? this makes no sense. i'm calling my doctor.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Mon, 12 Jan 2009 00:03:38 GMT

to do:
write english essay.
french articles.
french homework makeup.
chem questions.
math homework.
exercise.
sleep.
shower.
go to school.

why is it?

Mon, 05 Jan 2009 03:38:47 GMT

i feel so alone in the world, and yet suffocated. i have this guy clamoring over me and it's really fucking weird and it's getting really uncool and obnoxious and i feel like i can't breathe because he won't leave me alone or give me my space. but at the same time i feel so completely abandoned and alone because it seems like i'm a social leper. i don't know what it is, but it feels like i have no friends, like no one really cares about me and like i dunno. people i don't want to chase off leave anyway. people i've tried so hard to make it work leave, and the people i don't give a shit about won't let me breathe. it's such a weird sensation. i dunno, i just feel incredibly isolated, and i dunno if it's because i'm grounded or if it's because i'm being legitimately isolated and excluded... though i def think that's true, because there are always so many parties, and i'm never invited to any of them and it's kinda like... why didn't you invite me, and you invite like 100 other people? gah. i am unwanted, unloved, and alone.

school's tomorrow. i don't want to go. ew. but i do. i think i'm just going to get high before i leave tomorrow so i can deal with stress. xanax and hydrocodone anyone?

ouch.

Sat, 03 Jan 2009 17:26:29 GMT

okay so ow. that's what i'd like to say first. yesterday's workout has left almost every muscle in my body aching. it's 1:30, i've eaten roughly 500 calories (rice krispies, milk, and a banana) not too bad. i dunno if i'm going to work out today, i think the most i can do right now is stretchh.

GOALS:

write at least one chapter in the book (it didn't happen yesterday, so this is first priority)
start writing the english essay
do 30 minutes of yogalates or some kind of cardio/workout
stretch for 15 minutes
keep calorie intake low
(possibly) study for the AP euro unit 2 test.
FOLD LAUNDRY.
do laundry.

these to do lists are good!