my dad did plenty of terrible things. but he's still my dad. it doesn't matter that he hit me, abandoned me, abused me. he's still my dad. does that make what happened okay? no.

yesterday i called my dad for the first time in years. i talked to him for fourty five minutes, and to be honest, it was the longest fourty-five minutes of my life. we started off like i expected: it's not my fault, i'm a different person, you can't blame me. but eventually we progressed into something completely surprising. talking to him may not have given the closure i was looking for, but i think i made a step in the right direction.

i started the conversation with a pit in my stomach: i was anxious, nervous. scared. it was surreal to hear his voice, at first. i'd never forget that voice and the things he said to me. i'm not quite sure why i wanted to call him at this point. and i'm clearly really scatterbrained. and i'm still trying to process it. but. i'm still happy i called. it needed to happen.

the only thing that the phone call really did though was make me want a dad. i've always wanted a father, and i've never had one. every man in my life has been an extremely negative persona and abused me and my family. i just want that father figure. but i don't know what that would look like. how is a functioning father supposed to behave? what is the difference between a mom and a dad, other than the obvious? what do i need for myself? i don't know. is that bad? that i don't know what i want?

i'm just really confused. i know how much i'm changing. god am i changing. and it's not just because i'm on a shitload of meds... i'm changing because i want to change for me. i came to this place because my mom and therapist wanted me to. i didn't think i was going to actually get anything out of it. but look at me now.

a year ago, i tried to kill myself. a year ago, i was depressed. a year ago, i had no friends. a year ago, i had no relationship with my mom. a year ago, i was a completely different rachel.

2009 edition is so much healthier, happier. i have friends now. i'm learning to trust in myself, and my instincts. i'm starting to not let people take advantage of me. i'm letting people be my friend, instead of chasing them away. i'm trying so hard. and it feels amazing. it feels so good to know how different i am now. and how much i am worth.

people need to realize how good they have it with me, and not me realize how good i have it with them. i deserve the best. i deserve to be loved. i deserve to be liked. but most of all, i deserve to be happy. and i am.

it may have taken over a year to get to where i am now, and i've been on this journey for a long time. and to be hoenst, i'm still on it. but i'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and becoming happy with who i am. i only need me to be happy. no one or nothing else can help that.