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| girl meets boy. girl likes boy. boy asks girl out. girl has sex with boy. boy breaks up with girl.
story of my life.
it's so ironic how often i've broken up with guys because i'm not "ready" or i can't "handle" a relationship. does it hurt to try? no. but i never would. i'd never put myself out there enough to even give a guy the time of day. i finally met someone i liked. someone i really, really liked. and someone i could see myself being with. someone i wanted to be with. the moments we shared were sweet, almost magical. but sensual. he made me feel pretty. he made me feel special, and sexy, and worth more than i give myself credit for. and how is this possible? i've only known him for a month. but still. i liked him, more than i should. and it hurt me. it hurts now. but how should i expect anything more?
the first guy i've liked, the first guy i've tried with. the first i've opened myself up to, and put my heart and my neck on the line and it justs hurts. because it's not that he "doesn't like me" it's that he's "not ready right now." how do you tell a girl who you know likes you, you know has given up so much to be with you, how do you tell her that? i'd be melodramatic if i said he broke my heart, because he didn't. i'm not saying that at all. all i am saying is that the first guy i try to be a girlfriend to, the first guy i try at all with, just rejects me. and it sucks. a lot. because i was so hesitant in the first place, and then i said okay fuck it, i'm gonna try. i'm gonna put everything into this relationship, and what did it get me? nothing really. nothing at all, actually. just hurt feelings because he can't do it. he can have sex with me, he can take advantage of me, but he can't invest anything into a relationship with me. and that's okay. it's expected. does that mean it doesn't suck? no. because it does. i'd be lying if i said i was okay right now, because i really don't feel okay. i feel sad and rejected and used and angry.
i dunno. i just give up. i can't deal with boys anymore. i can't deal with relationships, and putting everything on the line and being bitten. i can't do it anymore. | | |
| my dad did plenty of terrible things. but he's still my dad. it doesn't matter that he hit me, abandoned me, abused me. he's still my dad. does that make what happened okay? no. yesterday i called my dad for the first time in years. i talked to him for fourty five minutes, and to be honest, it was the longest fourty-five minutes of my life. we started off like i expected: it's not my fault, i'm a different person, you can't blame me. but eventually we progressed into something completely surprising. talking to him may not have given the closure i was looking for, but i think i made a step in the right direction. i started the conversation with a pit in my stomach: i was anxious, nervous. scared. it was surreal to hear his voice, at first. i'd never forget that voice and the things he said to me. i'm not quite sure why i wanted to call him at this point. and i'm clearly really scatterbrained. and i'm still trying to process it. but. i'm still happy i called. it needed to happen. the only thing that the phone call really did though was make me want a dad. i've always wanted a father, and i've never had one. every man in my life has been an extremely negative persona and abused me and my family. i just want that father figure. but i don't know what that would look like. how is a functioning father supposed to behave? what is the difference between a mom and a dad, other than the obvious? what do i need for myself? i don't know. is that bad? that i don't know what i want? i'm just really confused. i know how much i'm changing. god am i changing. and it's not just because i'm on a shitload of meds... i'm changing because i want to change for me. i came to this place because my mom and therapist wanted me to. i didn't think i was going to actually get anything out of it. but look at me now. a year ago, i tried to kill myself. a year ago, i was depressed. a year ago, i had no friends. a year ago, i had no relationship with my mom. a year ago, i was a completely different rachel. 2009 edition is so much healthier, happier. i have friends now. i'm learning to trust in myself, and my instincts. i'm starting to not let people take advantage of me. i'm letting people be my friend, instead of chasing them away. i'm trying so hard. and it feels amazing. it feels so good to know how different i am now. and how much i am worth. people need to realize how good they have it with me, and not me realize how good i have it with them. i deserve the best. i deserve to be loved. i deserve to be liked. but most of all, i deserve to be happy. and i am. it may have taken over a year to get to where i am now, and i've been on this journey for a long time. and to be hoenst, i'm still on it. but i'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and becoming happy with who i am. i only need me to be happy. no one or nothing else can help that. | | |
| i haven't updated in agesssss!
okay quick runthrough
things were awesome until i had some kids over when my mom wasn't home and she came home and was like doubleyouteeeff and i was like ohfuck and then she's like fuckyou and we've been fighting since
i met the boy of my dreams
i'm happy i guess
so woohoo | | |
| all the guys here are either gay, dumb, ugly, or assholes. romantically, i haven't met a nice guy in this god damn place EVER.
1. mark: he was my first boyfriend. my first kiss. nuff said. it ended after like a month, if that.
2. david: the guy i think i loved. he lived in georgia though, which was a problem, seeing as i lived roughly 700 miles away... i mean he was probably the best boyfriend i had, considering. 9 months.
3. tyler: i think he was gay, and his penis was itty bitty. i broke up with him four days before our one year anniversary because i started to like another dude. but i did it nicely because he had a bracelet of mine, and i wanted it back. afterwards i was a megabitch. end of relationships.
4. river: oh river... i had liked him since i think july 2008. and we made out for the first time in october or 2008, but we couldn't pursue a relationship for two reasons: i had a boyfriend, and he was in love with his ex.
5. ross: we made out for like 4 hours in his car in the middle of the night in the valley, and didn't talk for like a month after because we felt ridiculously awkward about it.
6. river: (again) we had a consistent "fuck buddies" relationship from july 2008 to january 2009. i ended up falling for him, but all i was to him was sex. i mean hey, i can't blame him, i can take a guy to the moon haha.
7. jd: we hookedup like twice, i didn't really want to, but i considered being in a relationship with him for like a week cause he liked me or something, but i was like, nahhh, and so was he.
8. josh: lost my vcard to him in a car, in a parking lot somewhere. i don't think i had sex with him any place BUT a car, in various locations. this is kinda bad, just cause i got high and then after 3 or 4 hours of knowing him, we fucked.
9. timi: we made out, after i had made out with river. and then later that night i hookedup with josh. did i mention i was high?
10. ted: i was trying to go to sleep on my couch, but he was kinda like heeeeeeeeyo all night and like hitting on me i guess, but i was kind of oblivious until he like laid on top of me and started sucking face and i didn't know what to do but kiss back, but after a while i couldn't breathe and i pushed him off. really awkward.
11. jake: i think i kissed him, but everyone says i didn't. but i remember him being in my house and in my bed. so i don't know, it makes sense.
12. rob: i THINK we kissed. maybe. i don't remember.
13. paul: it was kind of a pop kiss but honestly we had no physical chemistry. he wasn't my type. but he wanted more and now he's all mad about the fact that i told him i didn't want a relationship, but honestly (shhh, it's a secret) it was because i wasn't into him.
(quite a list of conquests)
but like honestly lately i don't know what it is with guys but i'm sick of them hitting on me. honestly if i could get a fucking chastity belt and lock myself in it i would, or i would be a lesbian. but i like sex and penis too much, so what do i do?!! like right now? do you want to know how many FUCKING guys are trying to get in my pants? FIVE, maybe more! that's RIDICULOUS. i mean most girls would be happy with that but right now i just want to settle down with a nice boy. i'm kinda picky, i'm not gonna lie. but i mean if you're the following, send me a message or something. i need someone to cuddle with.
funny, cute, smart, honest, passionate, and tall.
that's not too much to ask is it? | | |
| sicksicksick.
feeling a bit better emotionally. but i feel terrible physically. it sucks feeling like you're going to throw up all the time. i almost tried to make myself throw up today but then i chickened out. if i'm being honest, it wasn't all because i felt sick.
weather sucks so much. it's so cold. eventually i'm going to freeze into an icicle.
GOOD NEWS?
well...
i told river i loved him and he wasn't totally opposed to the idea. lol. i love my phrasing. but anyway. he told me.. that i'm way too smart for him. that i'm too good for him. and that there's someone out there so much better than he is. but. i dunno. he is is is. i want him and when he said he was going to let go of her, jesus you don't know how that made me feel. giddyhappyexcited... hopeful. but hope is a nasty emotion. because it allows you to believe that there could be something more. but when i asked him if maybe we could be... he said no. but when he said that he was fickle and unreliable, it still allowed that hope to settle back into my heart. and i'm not completely sure that's a good thing. i don't need to be hopeful. i'm scared to be with him, with anyone. he knows me so well, and it's scary. he knows my body and my soul and i dunno it's just a really intense dedication to him but it's nothing healthy. he's not good for me and i know it. my head says no but my heart is protesting with a strong "no, don't give up. you might have a chance with him. you could be with him." who knows if it'll happen. i don't.
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