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| i've been losing myself lately. i've been losing sight of who i am, and why i'm here. what is my purpose. i've been neglecting the feelings that i'll always be alone, and i've been trying to be impossibly strong while confronted with the utmost feelings of misery. a year ago, today, i tried to kill myself. out of desperation, a cry for attention, someone to notice. i wanted to know that someone - anyone - would care if i ceased to exist. i didn't get an answer. i failed, and kept it a secret until now.
i've been struggling with myself and who i am for as long as i can remember.
when i was 6, i stole things.
when i was 7, i attacked people.
when i was 8, 9, 10, 11, i was made an insecure wreck with the constant reminder that i was fat. unfashionable. everything undesirable in a person.
when i was 12, i started cutting in secret because my best friend told me that she was. and i saw that it was a way to stop how bad i was hurting.
when i was 13, i ran into walls.
when i was 14, i became an arrogant, condescending bitch and lost every single one of my best friends because i thought i knew better. i thought i was better.
when i was 15, i was depressed and constantly on the verge of slitting my wrists or worse.
now that i'm 16, i realize how my misery is nothing but a confection of my own. why do i have the right to complain about my life? i have a house over my head. i have a job. i have friends, people who love me. but for some reason, none of that is enough. my sister used to be my best friend, someone i knew i could always talk to and count on. in my petty vindication, i ruined that relationship. my relationship with my mother is ruined because for some reason i have no respect for her and her rules, and i refuse to follow them. things escalated out of control, out of my control and out of hers. but the only reason that everyone always leaves, that everything in my life gets "fucked up" is because of me. my choices.
the worst part of this epiphany is that i don't know if i can change - or if i want to. it doesn't seem to make a difference - change, that is. i've changed so much over the years, more than most people realize and yet i'm no different. i'm still the little girl who's so worried about being alone that she'll chase off anyone who tries to get close, to stop the potential for being hurt.
i'm being honest with whoever reads this, but mostly i'm being honest with myself. i've spent so much time trying to convince myself that my life is terrible, and it's terrible because of the things that have happened to me, and things that other people have done. that nothing that has gone wrong in this life is my fault. but it is. i'm poisonous, i'm like arsenic and cyanide and if you get too close, if you take me into your heart even just a little bit, i'll kill you slowly. i'm no good for you. i'll ruin your happiness and your livelihood, because that's just what i do. i make a mess of everything and everyone's lives.
and if i've done that to you, i'm sorry. | | |
| girl meets boy. girl likes boy. boy asks girl out. girl has sex with boy. boy breaks up with girl.
story of my life.
it's so ironic how often i've broken up with guys because i'm not "ready" or i can't "handle" a relationship. does it hurt to try? no. but i never would. i'd never put myself out there enough to even give a guy the time of day. i finally met someone i liked. someone i really, really liked. and someone i could see myself being with. someone i wanted to be with. the moments we shared were sweet, almost magical. but sensual. he made me feel pretty. he made me feel special, and sexy, and worth more than i give myself credit for. and how is this possible? i've only known him for a month. but still. i liked him, more than i should. and it hurt me. it hurts now. but how should i expect anything more?
the first guy i've liked, the first guy i've tried with. the first i've opened myself up to, and put my heart and my neck on the line and it justs hurts. because it's not that he "doesn't like me" it's that he's "not ready right now." how do you tell a girl who you know likes you, you know has given up so much to be with you, how do you tell her that? i'd be melodramatic if i said he broke my heart, because he didn't. i'm not saying that at all. all i am saying is that the first guy i try to be a girlfriend to, the first guy i try at all with, just rejects me. and it sucks. a lot. because i was so hesitant in the first place, and then i said okay fuck it, i'm gonna try. i'm gonna put everything into this relationship, and what did it get me? nothing really. nothing at all, actually. just hurt feelings because he can't do it. he can have sex with me, he can take advantage of me, but he can't invest anything into a relationship with me. and that's okay. it's expected. does that mean it doesn't suck? no. because it does. i'd be lying if i said i was okay right now, because i really don't feel okay. i feel sad and rejected and used and angry.
i dunno. i just give up. i can't deal with boys anymore. i can't deal with relationships, and putting everything on the line and being bitten. i can't do it anymore. | | |
| my dad did plenty of terrible things. but he's still my dad. it doesn't matter that he hit me, abandoned me, abused me. he's still my dad. does that make what happened okay? no. yesterday i called my dad for the first time in years. i talked to him for fourty five minutes, and to be honest, it was the longest fourty-five minutes of my life. we started off like i expected: it's not my fault, i'm a different person, you can't blame me. but eventually we progressed into something completely surprising. talking to him may not have given the closure i was looking for, but i think i made a step in the right direction. i started the conversation with a pit in my stomach: i was anxious, nervous. scared. it was surreal to hear his voice, at first. i'd never forget that voice and the things he said to me. i'm not quite sure why i wanted to call him at this point. and i'm clearly really scatterbrained. and i'm still trying to process it. but. i'm still happy i called. it needed to happen. the only thing that the phone call really did though was make me want a dad. i've always wanted a father, and i've never had one. every man in my life has been an extremely negative persona and abused me and my family. i just want that father figure. but i don't know what that would look like. how is a functioning father supposed to behave? what is the difference between a mom and a dad, other than the obvious? what do i need for myself? i don't know. is that bad? that i don't know what i want? i'm just really confused. i know how much i'm changing. god am i changing. and it's not just because i'm on a shitload of meds... i'm changing because i want to change for me. i came to this place because my mom and therapist wanted me to. i didn't think i was going to actually get anything out of it. but look at me now. a year ago, i tried to kill myself. a year ago, i was depressed. a year ago, i had no friends. a year ago, i had no relationship with my mom. a year ago, i was a completely different rachel. 2009 edition is so much healthier, happier. i have friends now. i'm learning to trust in myself, and my instincts. i'm starting to not let people take advantage of me. i'm letting people be my friend, instead of chasing them away. i'm trying so hard. and it feels amazing. it feels so good to know how different i am now. and how much i am worth. people need to realize how good they have it with me, and not me realize how good i have it with them. i deserve the best. i deserve to be loved. i deserve to be liked. but most of all, i deserve to be happy. and i am. it may have taken over a year to get to where i am now, and i've been on this journey for a long time. and to be hoenst, i'm still on it. but i'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and becoming happy with who i am. i only need me to be happy. no one or nothing else can help that. | | |
| i haven't updated in agesssss!
okay quick runthrough
things were awesome until i had some kids over when my mom wasn't home and she came home and was like doubleyouteeeff and i was like ohfuck and then she's like fuckyou and we've been fighting since
i met the boy of my dreams
i'm happy i guess
so woohoo | | |
| sicksicksick.
feeling a bit better emotionally. but i feel terrible physically. it sucks feeling like you're going to throw up all the time. i almost tried to make myself throw up today but then i chickened out. if i'm being honest, it wasn't all because i felt sick.
weather sucks so much. it's so cold. eventually i'm going to freeze into an icicle.
GOOD NEWS?
well...
i told river i loved him and he wasn't totally opposed to the idea. lol. i love my phrasing. but anyway. he told me.. that i'm way too smart for him. that i'm too good for him. and that there's someone out there so much better than he is. but. i dunno. he is is is. i want him and when he said he was going to let go of her, jesus you don't know how that made me feel. giddyhappyexcited... hopeful. but hope is a nasty emotion. because it allows you to believe that there could be something more. but when i asked him if maybe we could be... he said no. but when he said that he was fickle and unreliable, it still allowed that hope to settle back into my heart. and i'm not completely sure that's a good thing. i don't need to be hopeful. i'm scared to be with him, with anyone. he knows me so well, and it's scary. he knows my body and my soul and i dunno it's just a really intense dedication to him but it's nothing healthy. he's not good for me and i know it. my head says no but my heart is protesting with a strong "no, don't give up. you might have a chance with him. you could be with him." who knows if it'll happen. i don't.
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