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| i haven't updated in agesssss!
okay quick runthrough
things were awesome until i had some kids over when my mom wasn't home and she came home and was like doubleyouteeeff and i was like ohfuck and then she's like fuckyou and we've been fighting since
i met the boy of my dreams
i'm happy i guess
so woohoo | | |
| boysall the guys here are either gay, dumb, ugly, or assholes. romantically, i haven't met a nice guy in this god damn place EVER.
1. mark: he was my first boyfriend. my first kiss. nuff said. it ended after like a month, if that.
2. david: the guy i think i loved. he lived in georgia though, which was a problem, seeing as i lived roughly 700 miles away... i mean he was probably the best boyfriend i had, considering. 9 months.
3. tyler: i think he was gay, and his penis was itty bitty. i broke up with him four days before our one year anniversary because i started to like another dude. but i did it nicely because he had a bracelet of mine, and i wanted it back. afterwards i was a megabitch. end of relationships.
4. river: oh river... i had liked him since i think july 2008. and we made out for the first time in october or 2008, but we couldn't pursue a relationship for two reasons: i had a boyfriend, and he was in love with his ex.
5. ross: we made out for like 4 hours in his car in the middle of the night in the valley, and didn't talk for like a month after because we felt ridiculously awkward about it.
6. river: (again) we had a consistent "fuck buddies" relationship from july 2008 to january 2009. i ended up falling for him, but all i was to him was sex. i mean hey, i can't blame him, i can take a guy to the moon haha.
7. jd: we hookedup like twice, i didn't really want to, but i considered being in a relationship with him for like a week cause he liked me or something, but i was like, nahhh, and so was he.
8. josh: lost my vcard to him in a car, in a parking lot somewhere. i don't think i had sex with him any place BUT a car, in various locations. this is kinda bad, just cause i got high and then after 3 or 4 hours of knowing him, we fucked.
9. timi: we made out, after i had made out with river. and then later that night i hookedup with josh. did i mention i was high?
10. ted: i was trying to go to sleep on my couch, but he was kinda like heeeeeeeeyo all night and like hitting on me i guess, but i was kind of oblivious until he like laid on top of me and started sucking face and i didn't know what to do but kiss back, but after a while i couldn't breathe and i pushed him off. really awkward.
11. jake: i think i kissed him, but everyone says i didn't. but i remember him being in my house and in my bed. so i don't know, it makes sense.
12. rob: i THINK we kissed. maybe. i don't remember.
13. paul: it was kind of a pop kiss but honestly we had no physical chemistry. he wasn't my type. but he wanted more and now he's all mad about the fact that i told him i didn't want a relationship, but honestly (shhh, it's a secret) it was because i wasn't into him.
(quite a list of conquests)
but like honestly lately i don't know what it is with guys but i'm sick of them hitting on me. honestly if i could get a fucking chastity belt and lock myself in it i would, or i would be a lesbian. but i like sex and penis too much, so what do i do?!! like right now? do you want to know how many FUCKING guys are trying to get in my pants? FIVE, maybe more! that's RIDICULOUS. i mean most girls would be happy with that but right now i just want to settle down with a nice boy. i'm kinda picky, i'm not gonna lie. but i mean if you're the following, send me a message or something. i need someone to cuddle with.
funny, cute, smart, honest, passionate, and tall.
that's not too much to ask is it? | | |
| sicksicksick.
feeling a bit better emotionally. but i feel terrible physically. it sucks feeling like you're going to throw up all the time. i almost tried to make myself throw up today but then i chickened out. if i'm being honest, it wasn't all because i felt sick.
weather sucks so much. it's so cold. eventually i'm going to freeze into an icicle.
GOOD NEWS?
well...
i told river i loved him and he wasn't totally opposed to the idea. lol. i love my phrasing. but anyway. he told me.. that i'm way too smart for him. that i'm too good for him. and that there's someone out there so much better than he is. but. i dunno. he is is is. i want him and when he said he was going to let go of her, jesus you don't know how that made me feel. giddyhappyexcited... hopeful. but hope is a nasty emotion. because it allows you to believe that there could be something more. but when i asked him if maybe we could be... he said no. but when he said that he was fickle and unreliable, it still allowed that hope to settle back into my heart. and i'm not completely sure that's a good thing. i don't need to be hopeful. i'm scared to be with him, with anyone. he knows me so well, and it's scary. he knows my body and my soul and i dunno it's just a really intense dedication to him but it's nothing healthy. he's not good for me and i know it. my head says no but my heart is protesting with a strong "no, don't give up. you might have a chance with him. you could be with him." who knows if it'll happen. i don't.
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| it's funny.happiness was short lived, it's funny how dependent your
happiness can be on others. i hate it, and i thought i could depend on myself,
but what with everyone apparently hating me, it sucks to realize that you
do need people to like you. or maybe it's just me. all i want is to be accepted
and liked, not even loved. i guess that'll never happen, honestly.
i fuck up too much. maybe you shouldn't get to know me, i obviously suck.
i thought i beat you. i thought i got rid of you. but you're
back with a vengeance and all i want to do is cry and cut and
curl up and never wake up. this is so... fucking a.
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| cause i totally did it on purpose.so one of my friends is moving to argentina for six months, and some people were planning a surprise party. thing is, i didn't know it was a surprise party, and i was talking to the kid it's for about it, and he was like: ... what party? so now everyone is so pissed at me for something that was an accident. i didn't mean to fuck up. and now no one will talk to me and i feel terrible, not just because no one's talking to me, but everyone's talking ABOUT me. and right in front of my face. and people are already trying to say that i did it on purpose, like i didn't, that would be so fucked up. honestly, it was an accident and i feel terrible. and now i feel even more terrible because everyone apparently hates me over something i didn't even mean to do.
not to mention, my period is two weeks early, and i'm on birth control? this makes no sense. i'm calling my doctor.
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